Just a Another Day in Heaven

Our 1800 metre morning stroll to the end of the Urangan pier and back is over – the sun? – bright! – its heat? – moderate! – the skies? – clear and blue! - the breeze? – gentle! – the waters of the bay? – smooth! – the fisher people that line the pier? – copious! – the tourist numbers? – moderate!

We listen to the chatter amongst the tourists - not a Victorian accent in earshot! – “we caught a cat” says one – “we had a pot of gold at the Paddo” says another – “Stevo is down at the goldie” says yet another! – we decide that a significant number of our fellow perambulators are from Brisbane – we listen some more – “gee nice day but” – “yeah not cloudy aye!” – we conclude that others are from Kingaroy and other places to the west. 

This is just too nice a day to head home – we pause at the Mingaloo Cafe at the end of the pier – a few people stand outside and await the supply of their takeaway coffee – a small number occupy the internal and external breakfast tables – spare tables are copious – available social distancing space? – abundant!– entry ways restricted – signage copious - the CoVid awareness of the proprietors obvious! – we decide that this is too good an opportunity to miss!

“Welcome” says the bubbly waitress – “sign-in here” she says – we select a shaded table in the open air – “the birds can be a problem” says she in a matter-of-fact sort of way – “I wonder what that was about?“ thinks I.

Our coffee arrives – we sit – we talk – “Did you hear about all the bike riders back in Albury” says I – “No” says Bernie – “they are all complaining about the magpies” – “everyone of them seems to have had an encounter with one” says I – “Just whingers” says I – “nothing else to do down there at the moment so they are just making a mountain out of a molehill! says I – “I bet they are putting down the early arrival of magpie breeding season to CoVid” says I – “it might just be the weather that is getting to them” says Bernie – “yep” says I – “They all seem to be complaining about the fog and some of them even use it as an excuse not to ride” says I – “even the golfers are complaining” says I - as we sit quietly awaiting our meal, the sunlight and blue skies combine to place a tad of stress on my eyes – “no fog here” thinks I - my sense of situational superiority induces a smile as I put on my sunglasses.

I look around the café at our fellow diners – one of them seems to be showing an unnatural interest in the activities of the threesome of unkempt Ibis that wander in and out of the open dining area – they need only to trend in his direction and he waves his hands furiously – his agitation is obvious – I assess his behaviour as being an over-reaction to their presence in the extreme! – I turn away to look out towards the pier – “this is the life” thinks I – “how relaxing is this!” – my attention comes back to the fellow diner – his arms have recommenced their waving and stirring – his voice has joined in his ineffective attempts to discourage the Ibis from his proximity! – he hisses again – his arms wave more vigorously – he hisses some more – his attempts at dissuasion attract only the attention of his fellow diners for the Ibis appear oblivious to his protestations of their presence in his company – the lovely waitress appears – she is equipped with a spray bottle – she emits the bottle’s aerosols in the direction of the birds – now she has their attention! – they evacuate the café in a rapid but orderly manner clearly borne of the learnings that achieved by repeated iterations of a similar procedure.

The waitress returns to her duties – the Ibis return to the café – clearly this is a routine familiar to both waitress and birds! – soon the waving of arms and the hissing of voice recommence as the Ibis repeat their interest in the dining activities our fellow café occupants – “I wish he would just relax” thinks I – “sure it would be better if the birds were not here but they are not really doing any harm – get over it” thinks I – just a slight sense of superiority arises within me – why can’t he be relaxed just like me – ah I suppose some people just cannot let things go!

The waiter appears with our breakfast - poached eggs on toast – served in the modern style – the modern style? -  place the poached eggs on the plate - place the toast unbuttered beside them – sprinkle both eggs and toast with parsley sprigs – complete the offering with packaged pods of butter – the aesthetics of the result? – attractive! – its efficiency from the chefs’ perspective? – towards the apex of the scale! - its practicality for the diner? – non-existent! – we study the offering and then proceed to unpackage the seemingly unpackageable butter and apply it to the toast – the toast proves to be have been made exceedingly uncooperative by the paucity of available plate space and the desire to leave the poached eggs unfractured – the task of readying the offering for consumption is taking all of our attention and we are yet even to tackle the most difficult of the preparations – the most difficult? – manipulating the soft poached eggs onto the roughly buttered toast with causing excess seepage of liquid from egg to plate!

Eventually our meal preparations are complete – our preparation would have been identical save for Bernie’s absolute belief that the consumption of two pieces of toast would be a complete carbohydrate overload and must be avoided at all costs – she sets aside the potentially dangerous piece of toast on one side of the plate – As we then pause to admire our masterpieces we realise that we have been so preoccupied with the complex task of final meal preparation, we have failed to notice that our dining associate has ceased his continuous arm waving and hissing.

It is time to enjoy the fruits of our labour – Bernie takes up her knife and fork – her knife penetrates the egg – the delightful yellow of the liquid yolk emerges to mix with the stark white of the now carbon dioxide infused albumen – our mouths water – this will be delightful!

Then an ear-piercing, café enveloping, terrifying, attention demanding screech – “oh – oh - oh” – screams Bernie – over and over she screams - “Shit” says I – “what in the hell was that!” – we are now the centre of attention in the café – we look down at our plates – Bernie’s set aside piece of toast is accelerating rapidly in the direction of the beach by dent of entrapment in the generous curved proboscis of a Threskiornis molucca – egg particles are spread across table – parsley flakes fly through the air – knifes and forks fall from our hands with a table thumping crash – fellow patrons, save for one, jump up from their tables to offer sympathy and advice – “move to the undercover area” suggests one – “can I help“ suggests another – the waitress appears at the sound of the screams – “ I am sorry “ she says – “I told you they can be a problem” says she – this time she has no need to apply aerosols – the intensity of Bernie’s screams have been sufficient to suggest to the congregation of Ibis that it would be prudent to at least temporarily relocate – I look across at the fellow café patron with the propensity to wave his arms and hiss – he has not moved – he offers no sympathy – he simply looks at me with a sneer – “that will teach you look down on me you superior asshole” thinks he – now Bernie looks at me – “you should wipe that egg off your face” says she – “there is no need for you to be nasty too” says I – “no – I mean it! – you have egg all over you face” – I remove the egg remnants splattered on my face as the Ibis had rushed passed Bernie’s plate in the acquisition of its prize – I look across at Bernie – she has risen with her plate in hand and heads off in pursuit of the waitress – not only is her plate now short of one piece of toast but it bears a calling card left by the Ibis just in case we were not aware that it was him that had acquired Bernie’s toast”.

The waiter returns with fresh meals - the other patrons continue comforting us with expressions of sympathy - the Ibis returning looking for their next victim - everyone adopts the arm waving and hissing strategy - the Ibis remain oblivious to the protestations of their presence  - "we are a protected species you know and this is just another day in heaven!"